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FEAR, LIES AND TENDERNESS

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Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Martin Luther King Jr.

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Fear’s relentless tentacles have been perhaps the most formidable force in my life: for good and for evil. Fear has given me amazing gifts and it has caused me to sabotage myself unmercifully. It has taught and given me probably more than any other thing. It has given me the opportunity to beg for and receive miracles. It’s also given me the gifts of seeing a lie for what it is and being tender with others and myself. Right now, I’m virtually eaten up by fear.

As October approaches, I always find myself more in the grip of those tentacles. My grandmother’s birthday was in October. She died a couple of years ago, but this time of year it feels like I’ve just lost her again and sends me into this monolithic fear of “ What or who that is precious to me will I lose next?”

Right now, at this moment, on this gorgeous fall morning, these are the things I am terrified of:

*Fear of REJECTION even by people I would and should reject, or people I don’t even know

*Fear of loss of a single person close to me, because I perceive those who appreciate me as an endangered species.

*Fear of the Headlines

*Fear of never –ending war

*Fears for my children’s safety and happiness in a progressively more chaotic world

*Fear of my parents losing their independence

*Fear I won’t be up to the task that God has put in front of me or that I won’t know what it is

*Fear of failure

*Fear Of Success

*Fear of someone saying, “Oh you’re the one who wrote that book I hate!”

*Fear of my To Do list- that it might one day come out the victor in a battle for survival

*Fear of my crows’ feet

*Fear of being single

*Fear of being married

*Inexplicable fear of cheerleaders and Arbonne saleswomen

 

Each and every fear is shrink- wrapped in a lie. The wrap itself is elegant and beautiful. The lie is often more palatable than the truth, because it requires much less effort and offers the illusion of safety.

At the root of all of these fears are different tentacles of the same lie:

“I am in this world alone. I have to carry it all myself. There is no one out there as bad/ messed up/ crazy/ fill in the blank/ as me. I can’t communicate honestly what is important to me or I will drive them away. There is no one up there listening.”

Here’s a doozy of a lie I am half- believing right now. I’m sitting here fighting a lie floating around in my head that says, for all of my time spiritual seeking and asking God to remove my fears, I shouldn’t have them any more. Here’s another lie: How can I minister to and help those hurt by their religion and seeking to regain their spirituality, if I don’t 100 percent have it all together? I shouldn’t have any fears. This is the aforementioned “ I have to carry it all alone” lie.

If I believe this lie, I become nothing but a goalie. Every communication and action I take is from a defensive posture.

Self- defense and justification make my message disappear. I have to ward off real or imaginary attacks to my credibility or right to belong instead of reaching out or just reaching others. If I listen too my fears and let them drive my communications with others, I’m intimidated by everyone. That’s no way to love someone, help someone or minister to anyone.

Fear has taught me not to be the goalie.

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Of course, the remedy to fear is trust. Fear, lies and trust are all inextricably intertwined in every situation. Every fear is an opportunity to trust myself, trust others and trust the One who made us, or trust the lie. That sounds hackneyed and trite because it is NOT that simple. We can’t berate or will ourselves into trusting. The only way we can ease ourselves into trust of an uncertain future, others, ourselves and God is tenderness.

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When I was around 9, my grandparents took my brother and I to Hawaii. We stayed on Maui and went to every beach there. The waves were huge and not like anything we had ever seen on our Texas coast. My grandmother, who must have been around 55 years old at the time, plunged into the waves with each of us in hand and proceeded to teach us how to body -surf. She taught us courage and joy in the face of fear without ever saying a word.

I was recently on the Texas coast by myself for a time of prayer and getting my head together.

Every day, I went body surfing for several hours and I felt my grandmother with me every single time. Needless to say, I felt God with me every single time too.

Each time I approached the waves (there had been a storm, so there actually were some) I didn’t know how it would turn out. I had to assume that someone or something would carry me. I was out there by myself, so there really was no alternative, and every time, I was tenderly and warmly carried.

Trust and tenderness are like that for me. I don’t have to chart a course; it won’t work anyway. I need to be tender with my fears and myself while I ask for courage and gradually see the lies for what they are.

I have finally figured out, God is not going to remove all of my fears, so I have stopped berating myself for not being perfect and I have finally figured out that is the biggest gift of all. God is tenderly helping me teach myself trust through the gift of answered prayers, and by showing me that I am not separate or alone.

I have a tribe of people hand- picked by God who like me and are there for me. We all have a tribe and our tribe is bigger than we think.

Without fear, I have no opportunity to experience the grace of God’s protection and many answered prayers. I would not have the opportunity to develop my strength in facing unbelievable odds. I would not have been forced to seek my higher power, fall to my knees and yell, ” HELP! I don’t know what I’m doing here!” and received more confirmations than I can count that

 Someone is listening up there, and he’s saying,

“It’s on its way, open your hands! Yes, I’m listening. Do you trust me now?”

 

Totally worth it.

God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefor we will not fear…

Be still and know that I am God…The Lord of Hosts is with us.

Psalm 46

 

 

Do These 3 Things to Realize Your Dreams

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You are only given a little spark of madness. And if you lose that, you are nothing.

Robin Williams

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1)   Know the difference between Honesty and Truth.

Fear of limitations is a cage. We can either have the dream or the cage.

We can be technically honest people all of our lives and never really tell the truth, because we deny the truth of who we really are, where we want to go and who we want to be with. We hear that whisper, assume it is static, ignore it and go on with the sane, safe path we are on.

But, the whisper keeps coming. It may go quieter, but it never really leaves, because it is our connection to the Infinite and the Divine. That whisper is God asking us to reach higher, trust him. “Our true heart’s desire” is very often that thing we would never admit publicly to anyone, because they would think we had gone mental. We don’t want to admit it because of the sheer audaciousness of having it. There are always naysayers chanting somewhere. But, maybe it is they who are not speaking the truth.

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The Truth begins with two questions:

What am I really afraid of?

What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

These questions are signposts pointing the way to the next small step.

 

2)   Overcome your “ Strengths”

They may be a mirage. They may be masking your true heart’s desire. They may be nothing more than coping strategies formed in childhood that need to be left behind.

I was a lawyer for decades and was proud of the skills I developed as part of the strenuous and stressful training and practice process. I considered myself a warrior. But, I was really Jell-O.

I was steeped in debate, intimidation and persuasion. This was never really satisfying, because what I secretly longed for was quiet and gentle dialogue and engagement with people’s hearts and souls, not their minds. I wanted to touch people and start them talking and feeling, not be the “ last word.”

Inside the armor of the warrior, beat the tender heart of a poet. I avoided this truth until I really had no other choice because the root fear, the cage I inhabited, was appearing weak. Who knew? Allowing myself to be spiritually and emotionally naked and to be seen as such made me a real warrior.

sunsetclouds3)   Remember the Cosmic Picture

Numbers 1 and 2 are not possible without daily conscious contact with God. All of us are plugged into infinite power, creativity, wisdom and love, but only when we choose to avail ourselves of them. The Big picture is too amazing for us to even imagine.

It’s a blind corner. We won’t know when we get there until we get there.

And if we “Fail’? How can we fail at becoming our true selves as long as we are breathing and trying to do just that? IMG_2578correct video code

WHERE AND WHAT YOUR BLISS IS?

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Find your bliss, bla…bla… bla… But why is it so freaking difficult to find this thing that we are supposed to be doing, that is going to make it all make sense, make us happy, give us purpose?

Perhaps because it is a simple thing of childhood. Grownups put “childish things” away and make things complicated.  Grownups go to seminars to figure out how to live.

Grownups make-work, stay busy and take Prozac.

sunflowersincageMaybe it is as simple as this: if it makes you happy to do it, it will make others happy too.

 

What was the first lesson of childhood, besides, “No!”?

The hope of every artist is that his or her work will live on some way outside of itself. To do that, we need each other. It’s hard facing rejection every day, not just of what we do, but who we are at the deepest level.

 

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Facing a case of paralysis in starting my next writing project, I holed up at the coast with bottled water, 5 Lean Cousines and a big box of wine looking for my mojo and my inner Hemingway.

Know where I found the spark? Talking to another artist and getting inspired by his work, and feeling gratitude for my friends Joe McDermott and John Cates, fellow artists lending me their kind expertise to help me on a project that I am more excited about than anything in recent memory.

I’m excited about a whole new area and want to spread that excitement like wildfire!

Our gift and our obligation as artists is to infect others : with joy, inspiration, wonder, mystery, outrage… To infect the lives of others with artistry.

 

ranchonedaisy

Set free the imprisoned splendor.

Browning

THE 2 GOLD KEYS TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS

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We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

This phrase in the Declaration of Independence suggests that happiness is a needle in a haystack to be located, hunted down and pounced upon before it gets away, never to return.

When I follow that logic, I am anything but happy or successful.

 

sunsetbeachI’m in my happy place right now. Who could really be negative at the beach?

I had to take a spiritual road trip here, because I was making myself miserable pursuing happiness. I had chased the American Dream until I had overtaken it, run it over and left it in the dust.

The rhythm of the wind and the waves echoes my heartbeat and reminds me that life, success, happiness and answered prayers have a rhythm all of their own. I have to listen to myself to hear them. If I’m in this rhythmic flow, letting the waves carry me, I realize all of these things are the same thing.

But, happiness happens when the only thing we are pursuing is our true self, tuning inward instead of onward. When we pursue “ happiness” or “ success” in and of themselves, we lose our only true compass: the conviction of our own hearts.

The hardest and most worthwhile thing any of us will ever do is to be ourselves, no matter the pressure to be someone else. It’s starts with the courage to meet our own eyes in the mirror each day, and say, “ I’m here for you and I won’t let you down.”

 

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Don’t give in to your fears, if you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.

Author of “The Alchemist” Paulo Coelho

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The key to my successes and the reason for my failures was agility or the lack thereof. I had to learn to be limber enough to get out of God’s way.

Get out of my head and my plans: they are interfering with what is already happening on my behalf. Just because I don’t know what is happening, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

 

At this moment, I am reminding myself:

Let happiness happen. Stop looking. Stop chasing. Stop forecasting. It’s happening now in this moment. Let it fall on me like rain. Let it happen. That sounds like success to me.

 

To paraphrase my friend and great songwriter, Chris Taylor,

Now the ears of my ears awake,

Now the eyes of my eyes are open.

Yes! Is the living thing. Yes! is the only living thing.

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RETREAT! RETREAT!

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roosterLABOR DAY IS A TIME FOR RETREAT, RETREAT!

Sometimes, the better part of valor is to bravely run away, to bravely turn tail and flee~ as brave Sir Robin did in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail.

Spiritual detox may be my greatest passion, but passion has its price~ Jet Lag.

The fact that I have attempted to put my head though a brick wall 100 times forces me to consider the possibility that the path does not go through the brick wall… Maybe, just maybe, the path goes around. Maybe the path goes back the way I came. I won’t know if it’s time to change course, if I keep charging ahead like a rabid bull. That will get me a concussion, but nothing else.

My go- to is power through, but if my heart rate is 150 and I feel like someone has dropped amphetamines in my Fiji Water, I don’t need to power through or ignore the heart palpitations. I need to Honor them.

This would be the time to marvel at million- dollar models gracing the fashion pages in clothing looking like someone’s 1990s practical joke, gelled and made-up to look like homeless people startled awake by the Police department. It is a beautiful and costly work of performance art. It’s time to enjoy a Crisley Knows Best Marathon, (it is addictively hilarious by the way) or to accept that for some deeply toxic reason that probably stems from potty training, an SVU marathon puts me in a state comparable to Zen meditation. Wisdom might compel me to consider the miracle of Spanx.

Resistance is the enemy. Resistance is all about my will and me.

If I get agitated, confused or overwhelmed it’s time to retreat, to run away, and to stop drop and roll. I’m never going to stop the river or change its course. I can swim upstream but only until my personal strength wanes.

Stop Driving. Stop with the goal- setting and metric taking. Drop everything outside of my body and how it feels at the moment. Roll with that.

Sometimes I look for logic and meaning in ridiculous things, because I succumb to the incorrect idea that a spiritual person must be deadly serious. It’s time to just get over myself, admit I have a wacky sense of humor, and go do something for fun, for the sheer joy of it.

Retreating gives me the chance to reboot and remember that I can start completely over a day from now, an hour from now or 10 minutes from now, giving me the chance to catch up to where God already is.